When to seek couples counseling
Many people wonder ‘should I seek couples counseling?’ when they hit a rough patch in their relationships and while this is a great time to seek couples counseling or marriage counseling it is not the only time it would be beneficial. It is common to think in order to benefit from couples counseling you must be married but this is not the case. Building a solid marriage or partnership takes work, both individually and as a couple, to create a solid foundation. This is beneficial early on in a relationship when lust shifts to more endearing love, whenever there is a major transition, and, when things start to feel a little stale or rocky.
Couples Counseling Early on in the Relationship
Relationships start with physical attraction which causes a series of physiological responses throughout the body. One important hormone involved in this process is Oxytocin. Oxytocin drives people to want to spend more time together which strengthens their bond by enhancing their feelings of trust and connection. As time goes on the couple is more bonded and the effects of Oxytocin wane.
When this occurs a partner’s true attachment style versus the one fueled by the Oxytocin begins to emerge. Additionally, this is when patterns developed in childhood also begin to come more into play. This can cause changes in the relationship. One partner may feel that the other has completely changed as new personality traits emerge. Some couples may separate or break up at this point while others are able to navigate the changes because they have tools that allow them to work through the changes. Couples counseling can help couples gain the skills to solidify their relationship foundation.
According to The Gottman Method, a solid Relationship House is built through trust, commitment, and shared meaning between the partners (www.Gottman.com). In couples counseling you can gain new tools to deepen or repair trust through activities and new strategies for communicating. Couples will also practice communicating with each other to develop routines to manage conflicts and complaints when they come up.
Couples Counseling During Transitions
Buying a house, having a child, major moves, and changing jobs are all major life transitions that can knock couples off balance. During these transitions it is easy for partners to deal with the stress on their own and forget to deal with the stress as a couple. This leaves one of both partners feeling unsupported. To bring the relationship back into balance they must check in on the foundation they have built for their relationships. There may be cracks or chips that were not an issue before the transition and added stress, however when left repaired they can widen and erode at the foundation.
Couples counseling helps couples who have been together for only a year or two, as well, as couples who have spent decades together. Just as an individual isn’t the exact same person today they were yesterday, neither is their partnership or marriage. Couples must be able to grow and adapt to life together in order to sustain. Some couples are lucky enough to have already been given tools to “check-in” on their relationship or repair the damages. However, most people need some additional support and tools and this is where couples counseling comes in. Couples counseling utilizing The Gottman Method doesn’t just jump in when a crack is seen and put a bandaid on it. First the therapist will assess the foundation with the couple to identify areas that could be strengthened and let them determine which repairs they want to make. As the foundation of the relationship is repaired the couple, and the individuals within, are better able to manage the stress of the transition utilizing their partner as a support and stress reliever.
Couples can get a jump on assessing and solidifying their relationships’ foundation before a transition or when they know a transition is coming. This allows couples to utilize couples counseling to preemptively determine what needs to be strengthened so that their relationship can act as a boat sailing across troubled waters when they are feeling stressed. The couple will have the tools and skills necessary to both express their needs and feel supported by their partner.
When You Only View Your Partner Negatively
A hard fact about relationships is that they require work and when the work is not put in the relationship can fall into a state of disrepair. When this happens the partners may feel disconnected from each other, like everything they do upsets their partner or they may even start envisioning their life with a new partner or being single again. These are all signs a couple should urgently begin couples counseling. When a relationship has reached a point where everything is seen through a negative viewpoint it can be very difficult to get things back on track without couples counseling because the couple needs support to shift the way they see each other.
Couples counseling utilizing The Gottman Method is specifically designed to address this utilizing cardgames, activities and tools you will begin using in couples counseling and then be able to transition to using at home. The couple will also learn ways that help them communicate to be able to not only understand each others’ viewpoint better but also help their partner feel supported.
In conclusion, any relationship at any state could benefit from couples counseling. However a good time to seek couples counseling is early on in a relationship, when a big transition for the couple is coming up or when they are feeling negatively towards their partner the majority of the time. Most relationships can benefit from couples counseling if both partners participate and are committed to the relationship sustaining.
