Does arguing mean your relationship is doomed?

Everyone envisions a harmonious relationship with their partner where there are not any disagreements.  In order for this fantasy world to exist all couples must have all the same ideas and opinions.  While this may be a dream for some people it is unrealistic and also might lead to a pretty boring relationship.  It is impossible for two people to have the exact same opinions and ideas because the human experience is varied. Even when two people go through the same experience they do not have the exact same thoughts and feelings about it. 

What determines whether a relationship is healthy and enduring is not whether they disagree but how.  Some of you might be thinking “but I hate conflict, how can it be part of a healthy relationship?”  While disagreements and conflict may feel uncomfortable or scary they are necessary and can actually strengthen a relationship if handled well. Disagreements can be opportunities for better understand your partner’s thoughts and beliefs.  

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute have identified four behaviors that happen when couples argue that are linked in research to divorce which include contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling (www.Gottman.com). 

Contempt

Dr. Paul Ekman identified seven emotions that are observed cross culturally and considered universal emotions (www.paulekman.com).  Contempt is one of those emotions and characterized by dislike coupled with a feeling of superiority or being better than someone else.  In a relationship, contempt erodes positive feelings towards a partner because one person is feeling that they are better than or superior over their partner.  It is difficult to have pleasant feelings about someone you think is beneath you or not as good as you.

Criticism

Criticism erodes relationships by taking a complaint about a specific person and shifting it into a personal failing of your partner.  A complaint is “It makes me angry when you come home late” whereas a criticism is “you are always late, you just don’t care about anyone but yourself.”  Complaints can be coupled with requests to change things but criticisms are personal about someone and typically are not easily corrected or changed. Criticism is damaging to a relationship because partners do not like to be told they are a terrible person and this leads to resentment which shifts from having positive overall feelings towards a partner to predominately negative feelings.  

Defensiveness

As humans, everyone does things that may not feel loving and affirming to their partner.  When a partner expresses a complaint they are asking for their partner to do something different because the way they acted has negatively affected them.  It is an opportunity for the partner hearing the complaint to reflect and improve based on the feedback from their partner. However, when a partner becomes defensive they may dismiss or argue with what their partner is saying and this can be interpreted by the partner with the complaint that what they think and feel does  not matter to their partner. Like criticism this erodes the positive feelings partners have for each other leaving them to view their partner and their relationship through a lens of negativity.  

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when a partner stops engaging and does not respond or talk to the other.  This is done to control the conversation and shut down the partner who has a complaint or concern they would like to discuss.  At times, this may be because the partner is feeling overwhelmed and unable to engage, however even in this case it is damaging to the relationship.  When a partner becomes so overwhelmed that they can not engage with their partner it demonstrates they may not have the skills necessary to cope with intense emotions which is a barrier to having a healthy relationship and an individual’s own emotional well-being. 

When the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse show up in relationships it can be a sign the relationship is in trouble (www.Gottman.com).  However, it is possible for a couple to have disagreements and conflicts without utilizing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  In relationships where couples feel positively about each other and their relationship they try to understand their partner’s point of view and accept feedback from their partners to improve themselves and the relationship They also utilize humor in their discussions to lighten the mood without minimizing their partner’s concerns.  

Couples Counseling with the Gottman Method

If you are seeing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse showing up in your relationship it is not too late to right the course.  Couples counseling utilizing the Gottman Method can help you develop the anecdotes to the Four Horsemen so you can improve your positive feelings toward your partner and your relationship.  Therapist can be found through the find a therapist option at www.Gottman.com.